Monday, 30 May 2011

''News time, children!''

Howdy everyone, I appreciate the support you've given me in my efforts to start blogging! Ill make sure to check out the blog of everyone who follows me, and if it pertains my interest, I may follow you as well.

I must admit that initially, my plan for this blog was to make it all comedy, but doing so would be quite difficult (especially considering how unfunny I am). I had plans to start a blog for every topic I want to talk about but doing so would be difficult. Therefore, ill keep one blog, and update it with anything/everything that pertains to my interests. One day it might be comedy, the next a critical review of Kantian existentialism. So, be warned....

I will attempt, to the best of my abilities to make weekly columns (so that you have something to look forward to). Every Wednesday, look out for the ''5 stupidest things I've heard all week'' list.

To make sure you don't leave this post feeling empty handed, I've provided  you with the joke of the week (below).

[There's two things I hate about my son's new partner: He's Black]

Why I want a girlfriend

#10. So I have someone to share intimate thoughts and secrets with.
#9. So I have someone honest and forgiving in my life.
#8. So I can split a one-room apartment for $300/mo because spending $600 each month to sleep and cook canned soup is bullshit.
#7. So I have someone to hang out with who doesn't try to show me his dick every ten seconds.
#7. So I have something to do when while waiting for Starcraft 2 to come out.
#6. So I have something "real" to blame my problems on.

#4. So my dipshits friends don't feel justified complaining about their girlfriends on the grounds that I don't "understand" because I don't have one, and then refusing to take my brilliantly crafted advice because somehow it's not relevant because I'm single and no single person could ever possibly have any understanding of relationships or the human condition. What's with people who ask for advice, and then don't take it? It's insulting. And it's not even relationship advice. You'll go to a restaurant with them, and they'll ask the waitress, "Is the fish and chips any good?" Of course the waitress replies, "Yes, it's excellent." Then your friend goes, "Ok. I'll have a grilled cheese." What the fuck were they asking for? Did the waitress give the wrong answer? Was your friend hoping the fish and chips was lousy? "Hi, I'll have the fish and chips, but only if it tastes like rancid dick bile." People are fucking WEIRD.
#8. Apparently if I "fall in love, I lose." Well I haven't lost anything ever in my life, and I'm curious how it feels.

#3. Because girlfriends do stupid shit all the time and it's fun to laugh at even though I think it's sad and pathetic.
#5. So I have someone to consistently hate on a daily basis.
#3. Because girls find guys in relationships more attractive.
#2. So that when I'm playing beer pong, I can be like, "FUCK THIS GAME. I FUCKING HATE BEER PONG." And go hatefuck my dumb girlfriend.
#3. So when I'm having a shitty day, I can make her life miserable.
#11. So I have someone to have cybersex with who isn't named "TinaSexiXXX" and costs $.40/minute.
#12. She might be good at something.
#13. In case I strike out at a bar, I have a backup plan.
#16. So that when my dad asks me if I have a girlfriend, I can say, "FUCK YOU DAD YOU RUINED MY LIFE."
#15. So I can practice being heartless on someone who genuinely cares about me.
#26. So I can practice lying to someone without having consequences that matter.
#17. So when I fuck her, I can use a hidden camera. I've always wanted to do that to a girl. And she'll be like, "Owe! lRyan! What the fuck are you shoving inside me?" And I'll be like, "It's a hidden camera! Look! Now it's hidden, now it's not.. now it's hidden, now it's not!" And we'll have a few laughs and a few torn vaginas and then break up and I'll be back to where I am now - wishing I had something even though I know for a fact that I don't want it.