Monday, 30 May 2011

Why I want a girlfriend

#10. So I have someone to share intimate thoughts and secrets with.
#9. So I have someone honest and forgiving in my life.
#8. So I can split a one-room apartment for $300/mo because spending $600 each month to sleep and cook canned soup is bullshit.
#7. So I have someone to hang out with who doesn't try to show me his dick every ten seconds.
#7. So I have something to do when while waiting for Starcraft 2 to come out.
#6. So I have something "real" to blame my problems on.

#4. So my dipshits friends don't feel justified complaining about their girlfriends on the grounds that I don't "understand" because I don't have one, and then refusing to take my brilliantly crafted advice because somehow it's not relevant because I'm single and no single person could ever possibly have any understanding of relationships or the human condition. What's with people who ask for advice, and then don't take it? It's insulting. And it's not even relationship advice. You'll go to a restaurant with them, and they'll ask the waitress, "Is the fish and chips any good?" Of course the waitress replies, "Yes, it's excellent." Then your friend goes, "Ok. I'll have a grilled cheese." What the fuck were they asking for? Did the waitress give the wrong answer? Was your friend hoping the fish and chips was lousy? "Hi, I'll have the fish and chips, but only if it tastes like rancid dick bile." People are fucking WEIRD.
#8. Apparently if I "fall in love, I lose." Well I haven't lost anything ever in my life, and I'm curious how it feels.

#3. Because girlfriends do stupid shit all the time and it's fun to laugh at even though I think it's sad and pathetic.
#5. So I have someone to consistently hate on a daily basis.
#3. Because girls find guys in relationships more attractive.
#2. So that when I'm playing beer pong, I can be like, "FUCK THIS GAME. I FUCKING HATE BEER PONG." And go hatefuck my dumb girlfriend.
#3. So when I'm having a shitty day, I can make her life miserable.
#11. So I have someone to have cybersex with who isn't named "TinaSexiXXX" and costs $.40/minute.
#12. She might be good at something.
#13. In case I strike out at a bar, I have a backup plan.
#16. So that when my dad asks me if I have a girlfriend, I can say, "FUCK YOU DAD YOU RUINED MY LIFE."
#15. So I can practice being heartless on someone who genuinely cares about me.
#26. So I can practice lying to someone without having consequences that matter.
#17. So when I fuck her, I can use a hidden camera. I've always wanted to do that to a girl. And she'll be like, "Owe! lRyan! What the fuck are you shoving inside me?" And I'll be like, "It's a hidden camera! Look! Now it's hidden, now it's not.. now it's hidden, now it's not!" And we'll have a few laughs and a few torn vaginas and then break up and I'll be back to where I am now - wishing I had something even though I know for a fact that I don't want it.


  1. Well those were partly true...
    Almost every men want a girlfriend for the same reason.

  2. Hahahahaha you are weird

  3. Hey Zach, your profile is set to private. Send me a pm linking your blog so I can follow you.

  4. Haha, just a bit odd! Though I can see the attraction in the last point you made ;)

  5. this is funny and partly true.

  6. You gotta be ALPHA MAN
    no girls like betas, trust me

  7. Girlfriends suck. When you go to put another line on the wall you see the high water mark on it that was the beginning of the relationship. Now almost five years later I hate my girlfriend and I have no way to escape our relationship. Don't do it man, get a hooker.

  8. haahhah i hear u bro... funny blog...followed